Ten questions to ask if you're writing a scrutiny report #8: How do we bring our sentences under control?

Sentences express ideas. They will express your ideas more strongly if they are constructed sturdily.

Sentences become weak when they are too long or poorly built. Such sentences are, unfortunately, easy to find in scrutiny reports.  Here's just one example.

In conclusion the Chair, Councillor John Breathless, acknowledged that the prioritisation of targets would help to ensure the best use of resources and would also assist in addressing health inequalities throughout the City and the Board requested that Frances Clueless and Andy Broughtforth, the Chief Executive of the Chesterford North Primary Care Trust provide further information with regard to data trends and health inequalities in order to provide members with an indication of how the compilation assessment of statistical information is reflective of demographics, particularly in relation to age, race and sex and also recognised that many of the initiatives encompassed within the Chesterford First for Health Partnership’s six point action plan were in the early stages but nevertheless requested Frances Cunning to provide further information in order to demonstrate how the Plan was assisting in health improvements throughout the City.

141 words.  Astonishing.

Sentence length is probably the single most important problem afflicting scrutiny reports.    

Be kind to your reader.  Keep your sentence length under control.  Reduce the number of ideas in your sentences.  Aim to say what you mean and no more.

We can strengthen sentences in six main ways.      

• Cut long sentences into separate sentences
• Separate multiple sentences
• Cut down long sentences
• Rebuild complicated sentences
• Make non-sentences grammatically correct
• Find strong subjects and verbs

 

Hot tip

 Follow the ‘15-25’ rule.

Message sentences, topic sentences and other sentences expressing big ideas should never exceed 15 words. All other sentences should contain no more than 25 words.

 

Here are some worked examples.

Cut long sentences into separate sentences

Parents have told us that distance is a crucial issue for them, because if their baby is in a unit far from home, this can limit the amounts of visits they can make, can cause them to incur huge travelling costs, and can cause real problems with childcare if they have other children.

Parents have told us that distance is a crucial issue for them in three ways.  If their baby is in a unit far from home, they can visit less often; they may incur huge travelling costs; and they may have real problems with childcare if they have other children.

 

Separate multiple sentences

Central government and the European Union are relied upon to tackle this, however, the group feels that the Council does hold a responsibility to encourage the businesses in the area to reach a certain standard for green credentials and should use its sway as a business and community leader to this effect.

Central government and the European Union are relied upon to tackle this. However, the group feels that the council does hold a responsibility to encourage the businesses in the area to reach a certain standard for green credentials.  It should use its sway as a business and community leader to this effect.

 

Cut down long sentences

We heard from Councillor Monaghan, the Chief Highways Officer, the Acting Head of Highways Services and the Transport Strategy Manager and accept that there had been a clear misunderstanding and miscommunication between highways officers and members as to the depth of feeling and objections being made on the proposals for phase 1 of this scheme.

Highways officers and members have clearly misunderstood the depth of feeling aroused by phase 1 of this  scheme.  Objections to the scheme have not been clearly communicated.  We heard evidence about these problems from Councillor Monaghan, the Chief Highways Officer, the Acting Head of Highways Services and the Transport Strategy Manager.

 

Rebuild complicated sentences

At the 17^th June meeting of the Board, the Head of Leisure Services reported on issues to be resolved prior to the opening of the English Institute of Sport and the completion of the Institute's Business Plan which included the finalisation of the terms of the Head Lease for the Institute upon which discussions were still being held with Sport England, the need for any such lease to recognise that there would be a sufficient element of community use of facilities so as to qualify for mandatory rate relief and that the exposure of financial risk to the City Council in terms of operating the facility had not changed since his last report to the Scrutiny Board. 

At the 17^th June meeting of the board, the Head of Leisure Services reported on issues to be resolved prior to opening the English Institute of Sport and completing the Institute's business plan.  Leisure Services needs to complete negotiations with Sport England about the terms of the Head Lease for the Institute.  The lease needs to recognise that the institute will qualify for mandatory rate relief, because there will be sufficient use of the facilities by the local community.  The city council’s exposure to financial risk in operating the facility has not changed since the Head of Leisure Services last reported to the scrutiny board.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Make non-sentences grammatically correct

Qualitative research will help us to understand what children and young people actually mean when they say something about their school is good or bad.  We will be able to probe issues such as why children like or dislike elements of school life, and what that means. For example, that bullying can go undetected or that the playground is better because it has specific areas for younger and older children.

[My italics indicate a non-sentence.]

Qualitative research will help us to understand what children and young people actually mean when they say something about their school is good or bad.  We will be able to probe issues such as why children like or dislike elements of school life, and what that means. For example, children may dislike an open playground because bullying can go undetected; they may prefer a playground because it has separate areas for younger and older children.

 

Find strong subjects and verbs 

There should be a clear and transparent process for considering the use of sites and there should be an opportunity in that process for the officers responsible for the housing strategy to make the case for housing use and explain the implications for the housing strategy of the different options being considered.

The process for considering the use of sites should be clear. Officers responsible for the housing strategy should be able, within the process, to make the case for housing use .  They should also be able to explain the implications for the housing strategy of the different options being considered.

 

If you like what you see here, you might like to contact me to discuss working with you.  I am currently working with one of the scrutiny team of a major local assembly in the UK.  I run training courses, and coach individual writers.  I can even give you some feedback on the reports your team is producing, if you want nothing more.  Go to my website to take a look at a sample training programme.