Resistance is futile

Before you read on, please do this.

Count the number of pieces of clothing you put on this morning (pairs count as one), and write the number down.   Now, do a multiplication sum.   For example, for seven pieces of clothing, calculate: 7x6x5x4x3x2x1.

Did you do what I asked?  I’ll bet you didn’t.   My request interfered with your desire to read this article; and you resisted.   

In psychological terms, I tried to wrench you out of procedure.  And probably failed.

Procedural memory and why it’s good for us

Procedural memories underlie the routines that make us effective.   By repeating the same task repeatedly, we ‘pattern in’ the relevant networks in our brains until they fire automatically.   Before we know it, we’re driving the car, playing tennis, or getting dressed – without thinking.   

(Back to that calculation.   If you put on seven pieces of clothing this morning, you faced 5040 possible ways of getting dressed.   Hence the need for a routine!)

Cartoon: Martin Shovel

Procedural memories have two key characteristics.   First: we must repeat them many times before they become embedded.   Second: once embedded, they’re permanent.   Even if you don’t ride a bicycle for years, you’ll remember how to do it after a few moments. 

As a result, procedural memories tend to resist being modified.   The more solidly imprinted the procedural memory, the more we resist changing it.   Remember the resistance that met decimal currency?  (Some of us remember!)

Throwing our toys out of the pram

We accumulate procedural memories over time.   Obviously, older people have more of them: more potential for resistance, perhaps.

But resistance isn’t just a sign of growing older.

Think of the Terrible Twos.   Babies don’t resist.   That bawling is a clear demand for help: a fail-safe survival tool.   Who can ignore a crying baby?   As we grow up, we discover the power of these signals and start to use them deliberately.   And so the tantrum is born.   

In adolescence, we develop new needs.   Along with physical needs – food, water, sleep and exercise – we develop emotional needs: security; attention; intimacy; community; privacy; status; a feeling of competence and achievement; a sense of meaning in our lives.   Teenagers have powerful needs for both autonomy and belonging: threaten those needs and you’ll probably encounter resistance.  Ask any parent.

Resistance satisfies the important need to be in control.   But it can also do real harm.  Resistance, after all, is a form of stress.   

So we need to be able to manage it.

What need is not being met?

Start by recognizing the symptoms.   Are you putting off tackling the problem?  Or engaging in avoidance behaviours (‘I’ll just make a coffee first...’)?  Perhaps you’re indulging in malicious compliance: carrying out instructions to the exact letter, knowing that following the rules could inflict damage.   This kind of resistance – like denial – can be positively dangerous. 

Second, identify the need that’s being threatened.   Does the problem make you feel unsafe or exploited?  Does it threaten your sense of competence or status?  If you can find a way of meeting the need and solving the problem, your resistance might evaporate.

All things being equal (which they never are), our resistance to a problem is likely to decrease if we can make the problem more controllable, less serious, more urgent and less surprising.   If we can choose when to tackle the problem, so much the better.

What do you really, really want?

We usually resist because we feel powerless.   But sometimes, what threatens that need for control isn’t outside us; it comes from our deepest core.

Resistance includes desire.   Without the desire, what are you resisting? 

We humans are explorative solution-seekers more than problem-solvers: our natural urge is to look around for something better to do – or be.   (Think, again, of toddlers.)  As we grow, we sometimes resist our natural talent to find our true potential – because, to grow, we have to give up some control.   As Marianne Williamson famously wrote:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.   Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be?”

So: if you find yourself resisting, ask two questions.

What do I need right now? And what do I really want to do?

This post is based on material in my book, How to Solve Almost Any Problem.